Practical things that you can do to help yourself
Talking and expressing yourself – It’s important to talk through your feelings with somebody else, when you feel able. Some people find family and friends helpful to speak to and share their emotions with, others may choose to speak to someone not affected by the grief.
There are various charities that offer bereavement services and are able to organise for trained bereavement volunteers to come and visit you at home and talk about your loss with you on a one-to-one basis. It’s often easier to open up to somebody you don’t already know about your feelings. Some organisations also run helplines that you can contact when you just need someone to talk to on the phone.
Some people choose to speak to their doctor or other health care professional and the GP is then in a position to refer you to a bereavement counsellor if that is appropriate.
Letting yourself feel sad – It’s perfectly normal to feel very sad and you must allow yourself the time to do this. Crying is a way of letting your body relieve tension and is part of the grieving process.
Allowing yourself a break from the grieving – Although it’s normal to feel sad and you need to allow yourself to do this, it’s also important to give yourself breaks from this too. If watching TV or reading a book distracts you for a while, or if watching a funny film makes you laugh, it’s important to let yourself have those moments to enjoy. Some people feel guilty if they laugh or smile when they’re grieving but it’s important for you to be able to do this. It allows you to rebuild some strength for the moments when you will be feeling intensely sad.
Keeping to a routine – When someone important to you has died you can feel as if you’ve lost all control over your life. Having a simple daily routine will give you some of this control back and make you feel safer and calmer at a time when you need stability. As part of this it’s a good idea to make arrangements to see somebody else at least once a week, as this will help to ground you.
Sleep – Grieving will make you very tired as it uses up a huge amount of your emotional energy. Just at the time when we need sleep the most, sometimes our bodies will not let us. If you do start to have problems sleeping it’s important to let your GP know. They might prescribe you a short course of sleeping tablets, just to help you get back to a normal sleeping pattern. It's also worth taking a look at our sleep hub for more information and ideas for getting a better night's sleep.
Eat well – It’s hard to find the enthusiasm to cook when you’re feeling low. It’s very important to try to eat a healthy, well-balanced diet in order to maintain your strength. Our diet and nutrition hub has lots of information, recipes and tips to help you eat well
Avoid alcohol – Don’t be tempted to turn to alcohol as a way of numbing the pain. This will not help in the long run and could become a health issue in the future.
As you start to feel a little stronger you may want to start socialising a little more. Bereavement organisations such as Cruse often run drop-in clinics or friendship groups where people who are going through bereavement can meet up and share their experiences and offer support to one another. In some cases people can go on to develop long-term friendships with others who they meet in the group.
Some people prefer to meet people by starting a new hobby or returning to a previous interest. If there is something new that you’ve always felt like having a go at, now might be the time to do it.
You might also consider becoming a volunteer if you have free time. Helping others is a good way of meeting people and finding a new focus.
Memory boxes – When you’re in the right frame of mind, creating a memory box can be a way of remembering the person who you’ve lost. You can choose a box that you think the person would’ve liked and put things in it that hold special memories. These might be photographs, their perfume/aftershave, an item of clothing, jewellery, cards that they may have sent you or received from someone else, their favourite book or anything that brings back a happy memory. You can bring the box out whenever you feel like it and it can be a wonderful way of sharing memories with the family e.g. grandchildren.
Our altered lives
Everyone will of course find some degree of difficulty when trying to adjust to a loss.
Throughout the grieving process, there may be additional concerns and responsibilities to face, which can feel like a burden and be just as daunting and overwhelming as grief itself.
These responsibilities can be managing financial affairs and supporting your family, in particular, your children or your elderly relatives. This in addition to maintaining your job and your life in general can almost become an all-consuming burden to bear.
It’s important to make allowances for these everyday responsibilities, which may require a period of adjustment.
Finally, whatever your worries or fears, anxieties or circumstances, it’s important to remind yourself that you’re not alone and in time, you will find the strength to accept your loss, and be able to adjust to the change in your life.
You may find the following websites helpful if you would like further information.
Bereavement support and counselling services in the UK
CRUSE Bereavement Care - National Helpline: 0808 808 1677 (England, Wales and Northern Ireland) and 0845 600 2227 (Cruse Scotland)
Coping with bereavement - NHS factsheet
WAY Widowed and Young - Peer-to-peer support network with helpful information and nationwide activities to help those who are widowed young to recover. Contact is via email only
The good grief trust - Lots of information and support tailored to different circumstances PLUS an extensive list of support lines available to you if you want someone to talk to. Contact to the trust itself is by email only
National Association of Widows - Contact is via email only
Bereavement Advice Centre - Practical advice on what to do when someone dies